When They Name You Pope...

This is the first item in a presentation I gave at a Theology on Tap Dayton South session in Dayton, OH, on July 23, 2009 that was called "Top Ten Things About the Catholic Church That They Didn't Teach You in CCD." One of the hallmarks of Renew International's Theology on Tap, is that the presentations be authentically Catholic, yet a safe and welcoming entrée for those who might be wary of getting in too deep too fast. After all, ToT is a program for religious "seekers." I was happy to comply. Thanks to all the young adults who helped me put together the Top Ten list. You are a joy and a blessing in my life and I pray for each of you daily.

Number 1:
“Congratulations, Your Holiness and Welcome to Your First Day at the Vatican.” What to Expect When They Name You Pope.

There have been 264 Popes since Peter was commissioned by Jesus Christ: “Upon this ‘rock’ I will build my church.” (Matthew 16:18) Since 533 AD, popes have chosen their own papal names, beginning with John II whose given name was Mercurius. Apparently, he considered it bad form for the Christian ‘Successor to Peter’ to retain the name of a Roman (read: pagan) god. Since then, popes have chosen a new name for various reasons, perhaps to honor a previous pope, or to identify a particular characteristic, value or charism that he would like his papacy to reflect. So, choose your papal name carefully. There must be some good reasons why we have sixteen popes named Benedict, twenty-three named John and only one named Conon.

Not only are you the religious leader of the largest communion of Christians in the world (about 1.13 billion people), but you are also head of state for the State of the Vatican City, which means, among other things, that you have automatic diplomatic immunity and get one of those fancy diplomat license plates for your car.

Your official titles are: Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor to the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Province of Rome, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God; but your über-demanding work and travel schedules won’t allow any of that to go to your head. This ain’t no job for wimps. Besides, the Holy Spirit has your best interests at heart; you have (as we all do) the ability to keep things in perspective through your consistent prayer life and reliance on God.

You have the choice to address yourself with “The Royal We” as in “We have written this encyclical” or “We would like a ham sandwich.” Popes John Paul and his successor John Paul II eschewed the formal “We” and referred to themselves in the first person singular. Our current pope, Benedict XVI, uses the “Royal We” about half the time. Depending on how formal you want to be, or as circumstances dictate, it’s pretty much your call.

You have a staff of 3500 full-time employees of which 1500 are clergy. The people you see everyday include 2 full-time secretaries, a private papal secretary who takes your dictation and types up your encyclicals, 5 nuns who cook your meals, clean your apartment and do your laundry, and dozens of officers from various committees, commissions, congregations and tribunals including the Cardinal Secretary of State (the “Prime Minister” of Vatican City) and the President of the Governaterate (essentially “the mayor” of Vatican City who oversees and maintains VC’s infrastructure and city services).

You receive no salary but you have the most comprehensive medical benefits on the planet. Wherever you go in the world, you will receive the best medical care should you need it. Your vacation package is less impressive as you only get up to 2 weeks vacation time, which you’ll take at Castel Gandolfo in August or September to escape from the oppressive Roman heat and humidity.

While you have a lot of staff whose job is to maintain to the minutest detail your strenuous work and travel schedule, you have ultimate control over it. Pope John Paul II insisted on a morning ceremony to install him as pope so that he could watch an important soccer game on TV in the afternoon.

You can decorate your papal apartment any way you like. Some recent popes have had favored more modern, uncluttered furnishings while others have preferred the riot of brocade textiles and gilt ornamentation. And, because you’ve got the whole of the Vatican Museum collection to choose from, you can decorate your rooms with any Michelangelo or Raphael that happens to catch your fancy.

You always look stunning in white. Under your alb and sash, you’ll wear white slacks, socks and a collarless shirt. On your feet, however, are fabulous red shoes that would make Sarah Jessica Parker drool. For everyday lolling about, you will wear a white skull cap, called a zucchetto, on your head. For official occasions, you’ll be seen in a miter, the two-pointed hat that all bishops wear at formal religious functions. The design of the miter is based on ancient roman headgear. It is made of cloth and, depending on the occasion or your preference, it can be plain or elaborately decorated with gold thread and jewels. A miter soars into the air above your head and breaks into two points (or horns) which tradition says represents the Old and New Testaments. Because you don’t want to seem aloof, you will not wear sunglasses in public unless, of course, they are the sunglasses that you appropriated from Bono of U2 (In a now-famous meeting between the two, John Paul II admired the singer’s sunglasses and reached up to snatch them off his head. Bono was only too happy hand them over).

Do you get weekends off? Essentially, yes, except for celebrating Sunday Mass, but you are more than likely to spend some time working through the weekend anyway. John Paul II was fond of skiing in the winter and hiking whenever he got the chance. Whatever time you have off, however, will be spent writing your letters and encyclicals—messages to the Catholic faithful that explain a certain article of the faith or extol and encourage the faithful in deepening their relationship with God.

Besides work, work, work, what’s there to do for fun around the Papal Palace? Well, there’s a full gym to workout in, a swimming pool and a bowling alley that Pope John XIII had installed (apparently there’s even a Vatican bowling league made up of various staff and employees). Whenever a crowd gathers below your balcony, you can greet them with the papal “wave.” The papal wave consists of this: raise your right hand, bent at the elbow at a 45 degrees angle with your fingers slightly but casually splayed. Then, in a short jerking motion, move your arm back and forth as if fanning yourself. If the crowd is particularly happy to see you (and they always are), you may increase the speed with which you move your arm. There are times you might be moved to throw caution to the wind by duplicating the same motion with both your hands. That really gets the crowd going.

Officially, the laws in Vatican City prohibit anyone from owning pets. But, hey! You’re the pope! Who’s going to tell you that you can’t have an animal companion? Our current pope, Benedict XVI, has a cat. Pope Pius XII had a canary named Gretchen that, when released from her cage, would fly around and land on his shoulder. Julius II had monkeys and Leo X had a white elephant. The carpet cleaning bills during their reigns always put them over budget.

Some of the most fun you’ll have, however, is naming saints. This is one of the perks of your job. There are hundreds and hundreds of people who lived a life in total dedication to service to God and who have been formally nominated for sainthood. After an extensive investigation into their lives and the obligatory miracle or two has been confirmed, the pope will affirm their nomination. Be warned, however: when you name a saint, the entire populace from that saint’s country will show up on your front doorstep expecting the mother of all parties.

Which leads to the next posting, coming soon: “Incorruptible. That’s What You Are”: Saints Whose Bodies Resist Decomposition

The views expressed in this blog are mine alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer.